Jokes

Space is essential for a successful marriage

A secretary got an expensive pen as a birthday gift from her boss.

She sent her boss a thank-you note via SMS. The wife read the text and
angrily showed her husband the message:

"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks :p"

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(Remember - space is essential for a successful marriage!)

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ar*e hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

I've learned........

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. 

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. 

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feeling in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child. 

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

                        

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

                        

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.       

                        

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

                       

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

                        

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I 've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

                        

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

                        

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. 

I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. 

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. 

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.            

             
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist that you're hooked for life.

                        

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

                        
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

I've learned ..........

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. 

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. 

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feeling in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child. 

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

                        

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

                        

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.       

                        

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

                       

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

                        

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I 've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

                        

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

                        

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. 

I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. 

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. 

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.            

             
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist that you're hooked for life.

                        

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

                        
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Naughty Town Names - Sarawak

Jakar Town, Sarikei
Zakar is a malay word for 'Penis'. A structure that resembles the penis is erected near the road junction of Jakar Bazaar and the Sarikei-Sri Aman road. Jakar is a favorite pitstop for a quick meal by motorist.

Zakar in all its glory!

                              

Photo of Jakar bazaar and Map

Asajaya (Nonok), Samarahan
Before the name change, Asajaya was called 'Nonok'. It means vagina in Malay.

Extract of an article recording the name changes of some towns in Sarawak

DEFINITIONS Wonderfully Described!!

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
wherein a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present

CLASSIC:
A book which people praise,
but never read

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece

SMILE:
A curve that can set
a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life

YAWN:
The only time when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give
to their  Mistakes

DIPLOMAT:
A person  who tells you
to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip

BOSS:
Someone who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early

FATHER:
A banker provided by
nature

MISER:
A person who lives poor
so that he can die RICH!

OPTIMIST:
A person  who while falling
from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
by his bills..........

Life Explained By Graphs

Why American Teachers Go Crazy....!!!